you're not the same beautiful, are you? but then, does it matter?
i don't know what to think about you. you're awesome: you're incredibly nice and i mean that in a good way, you have excellent table manners, you can hold up your end of the conversation but not seem weird when no one speaks, you're pretty damn smart. hell, i think i might even be able to take you home to my parents without them saying, oh my daughter what are you doing?
on the other hand, you have problems. "i'm so messed up," you told me. "yeah, most people are messed up," i responded. you have the stigma, or the stigmata, i can't tell which.
i probably shouldn't call you again. i probably will.
I drove past your job three times this past weekend, and only two of them weren't on purpose. I saw your car there Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon and speculated on whether or not it was broken down or if you'd caught a ride somewhere with someone else. I hoped it wasn't another girl.
I haven't seen you in ten days. I wonder if you're keeping track, too.
Every time I walk around my neighborhood, I look for your car - hey, I did okay keeping track of it at your job. I don't know what I'll do if I see it here; maybe I should leave you a note. I don't know what I would say.
When I fall asleep at night, I hope I will dream about you. I never do.
The worst part, sometimes, is knowing where you are and not being able to convince myself to go see you. Nearly every night, I look at the clock and think about you, sitting by yourself, looking at your feet the way you did the last time I saw you there. Nearly every night, I check and re-check the calendar, looking for an excuse to go where you are; and nearly every night, I sigh because I know there's no excuse that I can excuse to myself.
I can't bring myself to go there just because of you. I know it's a public place, and I know that no one - least of all you - would question my right to be there. No one, that is, but me. I am a strong woman, I tell myself, I will not give in and go for no reason other than to see the light cast the shadow of your profile onto the floor. I wonder, though, if I'm really stubborn woman, or a frightened woman - what would happen if I went? If you guessed I was there only because you were?
I'll never know. Because I know I'll never give in.